Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires
By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers
DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight at the rear of
Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no,
"It should be huge. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed with the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A few of the ideal. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."
Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour
The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely outside of location. Intended by Slovenian firm
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three-flooring Casino du Caliphate -
The
Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation -
A
Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies") -
As well as a
nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck , which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."
Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions.
In the meantime,
Ceasefire by Cabana
U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While former negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier:
According to files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of
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Ceasefires brokered by towel boys -
Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders -
A
VIP Lounge for De-escalation , full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.
"This is smooth energy," reported political strategist
Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming
Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The
Joe Biden, when requested regarding the venture, replied, "You know, gentleman, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Great people today. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice cream?"
In the meantime,
Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping
Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that
Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits just after locating the constructing's gold plating mirrored a lot of sunlight it
"It really is not only unappealing. It's a war crime with curtains," claimed
The Melania Wing along with other Bewildering Capabilities
Perhaps the strangest component in the tower is its
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silent atrium wherever attendees may possibly contemplate vague disappointment -
A
reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room , comprehensive with local weather Handle set to "distant" -
A
museum of expressions , which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.
Regional Syrians are Uncertain what to create of the. "
Advertising Approach: "When you Bomb It, They Will Come"
The ad campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:
A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:
Public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge displays:
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34% say "it'd stabilize the area"
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29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"
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eighteen% said "in which's the closest elevator into the West Bank?"
Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"
The project is presently attracting awareness from Intercontinental investors, such as:
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A
Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a overseas minister -
The
Russian Guild of Oligarchs -
And an
nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba' , who reported he'll buy three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."
Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree will even incorporate:
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Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances -
A
Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand' -
And an
Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War
Remark Area Chaos
About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, person
"Are unable to wait to see a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."
Consumer
"At last, a resort where my PTSD might have change-down services."
A further put up from
"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"
Diplomatic Domino Influence
U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a
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China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad
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Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk
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And
Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to makea Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.
Even the Vatican has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."
Closing Views in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™
In the closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:
"Damascus wanted hope. It needed gold. It required a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You happen to be welcome."
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